My New Letter Series: Dear Indian Population, Have You Ever Wondered What Is Discussed…

Dear Indian Population,

In the Indo-Pak Border meetings that take place (or are supposed to take place)? I mean, obviously, they’re not discussing problems the two sides face, on the spousal front! The Indian representative sitting there saying “Meri biwi ne aaj khane me kal ki daal aur parson banaye hue rotiyan bheji hain” (my wife sent me yesterday’s daal and rotis made 2 days ago) is definitely not being discussed; or Pakistan’s representative saying “meri ek biwi ne roti aur kheema bheja tha, lekin doosri ne kha liya hai” (one of my wives sent me rotis with kheema but my other wife ate it)! Let’s try to recreate the discussion(s). NOTE: my classmate from high school and close friend, Col (Retd) Udaychand Dadwal (Indian Army) tells me there’s more to discuss than just ghar ka mamla (household issues), but never having been a part of these discussions (thank god), we’re left to wonder. Uday, this one’s to you.

When discussions happen between India and Pakistan, especially where the armed forces are concerned, these are assumed to be serious issues. Issues like, well, let’s see:

Kashmir: Let’s imagine a situation where the 2 countries have sent their representatives. I am going to represent the Indian Army with an I and Pakistan’s goons with an AMG. Here we go with the two sides discussing Kashmir (what else can they start with).

I: Good Morning

AMG: Assalam Aalai Kum

I: What’s the meeting about, today?

AMG: Kashmir

I: Nahin denge (we will not give you this)

One of the AMGs gets on to the wireless and calls H/Q. Transferred to AM himself.

AMG: Sir, yeh to meeting start hote hi keh rahen hai ki Kashmir nahin denge (Sir, they’re saying they will not give us Kashmir, right at the outset of the meeting).

Cackling heard from AM. AMG turns to the Indian representative and says, “Ek Gaun to dedijiye” (at least give us a village). Indian representative, without consulting his H/Q (the cheek of this guy) replies, “Nahin denge”.

AMG: Sir, Yeh keh rahen hain ki gaun bhi nahi denge (Sir, they refuse to give just a village).

Cackling was heard, again, from AM. AMG, now sweating, says “Theek hai, ek gully to de do” (give us at least a street).

I: Nahin denge (nope, not happenin’), lekin aata denge agar POK khali karoge to (but we will give you wheat if you vacate POK). AM heard this and there was deathly quiet from both sides. It seems like AM has dropped off and AMG says, “Sir, aap hain?” (Sir are you there). He receives a crisp reply, “Haan, hoon. Kitna denge?” The Indian representative, now able to hear AM, says “Aapke Parivar ka pure 5 saal araam se beet jayenge” (your family can eat for the next 5 years).

AM: Roti ke saat kya milega? (What will I get with Rotis?)

I (who turned out to be one of the cooks at the local Indian Army Mess): Rice, Daal, Aloo Subzi, Chicken curry, mutton chops, dahi aur kheer (doesn’t need translation).

AM: Done!! PoK kal khali kardenge! (Done, we’ll vacate POK tomorrow).

And that’s how POK was won, folks!!! Just needed a cook to solve the issue.

2: Nuclear capability has been something that Pakistan has been claiming over the past couple of decades. Think about the innumerable number of YouTube videos you probably have seen where the common Pakistani talk about the nuclear bomb like we talk about work (at the office, obviously) with our families and friends. Unfortunately, the way Atom Bomb is pronounced by most of these people leads me to believe they’re not talking about Atom Bombs but Item Bums. Before you get any ideas, dear reader, they’re not talking about a sultry Pakistani woman dancing for you. Or are they? I’m never sure!! Let’s assume they’re talking about a woman dancing for you, all India would need to do is tell these misled folks that India already has 1.45 billion people and doesn’t need to add to the population. Please keep your Item Bums with you! If, on the other hand, they’re talking about Atom Bombs, well that’s a complete letdown!! I am serious!! Even then, the discussion will probably be as follows:

AMG: Hamare pas Item Bum hai (we have Item Bum (probably meaning Atom Bomb))

I: Hamare desh me ladkiyon ki kami nahi hai (there’s no dearth of women in our country).

AMG: Arey, ladkiyan kyoon? Mai to Item Bum ki baat kar raha tha!! (I was talking about Item Bum, why bring girls into this). Calls AM again and hears the voice of the powerful general on the other end. “Sir, maine bataya ki hamare pas Item Bum hai aur yeh kehrahen ki inke desh me ladkiyon ki kami nahi hai” (Sir, I told them we have Item Bums and the guy says there’s no dearth of women in their country). A moment of silence is heard from the other side (more like 3-5 minutes), after which the sharp voice of AM is heard: Hamare pas 170 Item Bum hain” (we have 170 Item bums). The Indians, now exasperated, retort “Hamare desh me adhi jansankhya to ladkiyan hain” (half our population is women). There was a deathly silence from AM, and then his voice was heard telling someone (presumably the aide), ‘I resign! Indians don’t seem to understand the power of the Item Bums”. And, again folks, that’s how POK rejoined the Indian nation!!!! The power of the Item Bum!!

Note:
1. Text in Blue points to additional data on the topic.
2. The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of PGurus.

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